August 2nd, 2022
Today, I was angry.
I thought that I had grieved after first hearing I needed surgery, but clearly I must’ve skipped this stage. I was angry that the “A” word (August) had arrived, and this big, scary thing that seemed so far off is suddenly two weeks away. I was angry because for the past 48 hours I have been unable to be in the present moment, unable to focus on anything else other than this surgery. This other “A” word (anticipation) has been taking over me, consuming me in moments when I needed to be focused on work or talking to someone or simply just having a good time.
I work with a pretty fantastic marketing team now, and they bring such a lively, charming voice to our brand. Since starting a month ago, I’ve done a deep dive into the company’s
website and blog posts and pretty much any content I can find. They created this one cartoon that talks about an elephant in the room. For hoteliers, that elephant is a property manager that uses an outdated system that they consistently override. (Hence why you should use our revenue management software, because you can trust the outputs when making pricing decisions, wink wink).
That image keeps appearing in my head when I try to describe what I’m feeling: the elephant in the room. This surgery coming up, this giant elephant, but I was trying to ignore it. But as time passes, the surgery gets closer, and the room grows smaller. The elephant is becoming more and more present in the forefront of my mind.
You know another reason I’m angry? I think I’ve ruined the song “august” by Taylor Swift for myself - and it was one my favorites!!! I’ve listened to it on repeat for 48 hours. The chorus goes, “I can see us lost in the memory, August slipped away into a moment in time, cause it was never mine.” Of course T-Swift is talking about time with her ex-lover, but to me, I think of August as this innocence I once had. This life I am wishing I had right now, the life where I could be a normal person in their 20’s doing stupid things, going on vacation, and trying new things - it was never mine to begin with. I’m mourning this expectation I had for my twenties when that was never going to happen in the first place. That fact doesn’t invalidate those feelings, but it’s a good reminder. And of course, this surgery is not the end - I will have plenty of opportunities to enjoy my twenties. There will be plenty of trips and new experiences to have in the future. Hey - I suppose I’m having a “twenties experience” right now by experiencing one of the most notable parts: a crisis! Yay!
For one thing, it’s been difficult to switch my mindset from “I won’t be able to do (blank) during recovery” to “I will be able to (blank) after I’m healed.” For example, when folding laundry, something I do for myself that is actually somewhat relaxing (as long as the clothes are still hot from the dryer, of course), all I can think is “I won’t be able to lift this laundry basket soon.” It’s a simple, silly thing to be mad about not doing, but it’s hard to let go of independence once you have it. Even with doing laundry, which is a chore that most would not consider to be enjoyable. Instead, I’ve been trying to think something like, “after I’m healed, I’ll be able to run and breathe at the same time!” It may take a while to get there, but as I’ve heard from many medical professionals this weekend “you’ll feel like a million bucks after the surgery!”
All this to say, it’s okay to be the “A” word. Angry.
Angry you are going through that awful thing. Angry that you went through that terrible experience before you were old enough to understand it. Angry that your loved ones are hurting. Angry that you listened to an amazing song too many times in a short period of time, and you are tired of it. Angry that you can no longer ignore the elephant in the room. Whatever the cause of your anger, it is okay; it is valid. The trick is to recognize that anger, find the meaning behind it, feel it, then let it go.
I heard this at church a few weeks ago, and it hasn’t left my brain since: “Feelings are amazing passengers, but terrible drivers.” Feelings, including anger, are part of being human. But letting it drive who you are? Feelings should not have that much power. Don’t let anger become your default. There’s a balance you must find. Those pesky feelings can be unreliable at times, but that doesn’t mean they should be ignored. Acknowledge the anger! Thank it for being there! Feel it! Then tell it to go find someone else to bother, you’re not dragging me down!
With love,
Lindsey
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